Play #3 – A: Affirm!
Imagine if your kid becomes the top tennis player in the world as a young adult. It is the defining moment in your kid’s career, the culmination of countless hours of hard work. But rather than congratulating your child following the crowning championship, you are criticizing a detail of their performance.
Andre Agassi can relate. His victory in the 1992 Wimbledon championship secured his top spot in the sport. After the dramatic title, he phoned his father. Andre details the interaction in his amazing book, Open: “‘Pops? It’s me! Can you hear me? What’d you think?’ Silence. ‘Pops?’”
Andre then shares his father’s words: “‘You had no business losing that fourth set.’ Stunned, I wait, not trusting my voice.”30
This is one of many poignant examples in the book that delves into Andre’s complex and tumultuous relationship with his father, Mike Agassi. Their relationship was intense. Mike applied incredible pressure on his son. Andre even confessed to not loving the sport, yet feeling compelled to play because it was ingrained in him from an early age. It was hard to sense any degree of love between the father and son. You can feel Andre’s pain and agony in reading his book.
The steep costs of conditional love
Lorri Zeller, mother of three NBA players (Luke, Cody, and Tyler Zeller), and author of the book Raising Boys the Zeller Way, said: “If we let our children believe we love them because they play basketball or excel at something, then someday when they don’t get straight A’s or don’t have a good basketball game, the kids will think that now my parents don’t love me. If we base our love on the persona of their performance, then it is going to be very shallow. It damages their self-confidence and their self-worth. We need to let our kids know that we love them unconditionally.” 31
New York Times columnist David Brooks wrote: “Parents desperately want happiness for their children and naturally want to steer them toward success in every way they can. But the pressures of the meritocracy can sometimes put this love on a false basis. The meritocracy is based on earned success. It is based on talent and achievement. But parental love is supposed to be oblivious to achievement. It’s meant to be unconditional support – a gift that cannot be bought and cannot be earned. It sits outside the logic of the meritocracy, the closest humans come to grace.”32
A study out of UCLA finds that affection and unconditional love can make children emotionally happier and free of stress. A lack of parental warmth can make children more stressed since parents put too much pressure on them to succeed without balancing it with affection. 33
Note the word from the study – UNCONDITIONAL. I know we can all recite a definition of this word. But let me state this another way. Unconditional love means it doesn’t matter if your kid commits 10 turnovers in a basketball game. Or gets cut from the middle school soccer team. Or doesn’t even want to play sports at all.
5 ways to demonstrate that you love your kid within the youth sports context
1. Follow your kid’s interests, not your own.
“We as parents truly just need to come alongside our kids and say whatever you want to do, we are going to be there for you,” said former MLB first baseman Sid Bream. “We are called to affirm and love our kids no matter what they do. Kids need love. They don’t need pressure. They need to know that their parents are going to be there for them no matter what – whether they fail or succeed.”
Many of us parents had dreams of playing a sport at a high level. The overwhelming majority of us never made it. We can look back and point to why that happened: a terrible coach, an injury, or some other form of bad luck. Surely it wasn’t because of our lack of talent (note sarcasm). So when the next generation comes along, our kids have the opportunities to right the wrongs we endured and fulfill our unrealized childhood dreams.
Then there are other lures of seeing our kids succeed in youth sports: validation as successful parents, the hope of a college scholarship, and the feeling that we are getting our return on time and financial investment in youth sports, to name a few. It is very easy to subconsciously guide our kids into different activities to fulfill our own agendas.
On one hand, it is natural that we want our son or daughter to participate in the sports that we once played. It is great when self-interests naturally align. However, over time it might become apparent that the kid is not at all interested in that sport. In this case, we need to affirm our kids by pursuing their interests, not ours.
Greg Olsen, former NFL All-Pro tight end, said: “If your visions align, it’s awesome. If your visions and interests don’t align, it is our job as adults to find whatever it is that your son or daughter is interested in and that we can still share those moments together. It’s appropriate for the adult to change their interests to match their children, not the child to change their interest to match the adult.” 34
Brian Roberts played Major League Baseball for 14 years and was a two-time All-Star. He learned baseball from his dad Mike Roberts, a former minor league player and the baseball head coach at the University of North Carolina for 20 years. Baseball very much seemed to be a family business in the Roberts home.
It therefore would seem natural for Brian’s son Jax to follow in his dad and grandfather’s footsteps. Jax played on some travel baseball teams in Sarasota up until the age of seven. Over time, it became apparent that Jax didn’t have the same interest in baseball as Brian did as a kid. Brian casually introduced his son to golf. Jax developed a love for golf and quit playing baseball, ultimately with encouragement from his dad.
“I had to decide if I am going to live out his dream or mine,” Brian said.
2. Ask for forgiveness.
Brian became Jax’s coach. The young boy was excelling quickly, performing quite well in different local tournaments. Brian thought it was time for him to play in a more advanced national tournament with better players.
When they got to the tournament, things didn’t go as planned. The other players in this tournament seemed to have much more experience. Jax struggled. As the mistakes mounted, Brian’s patience waned. His direct feedback didn’t seem to help. Actually, it was quite the opposite. As Brian provided more feedback, Jax increasingly lost confidence.
“I was very hard on him and being too much of a perfectionist,” Brian admitted. “My expectations were way higher than his ability level at the time. I was very wrong. The last thing I want is for my son to feel that his dad’s love for him is changing based on how he is playing.”
Brian asked Jax to forgive him. His son was thrilled to hear his apology and was quick to forgive. Brian has completely changed his approach. The perfectionist approach is in the past. There is much greater focus on encouragement and being a supportive caddie. As part of their postgame debrief conversation, Jax routinely provides feedback on how Brian is doing as a caddie. Let’s follow Brian’s example with Jax and ask our kids for forgiveness when needed.
Raise your hand if you as a parent never made a mistake. Glad no hands went up! It is inevitable that we will hurt our kids in some way during their youth sports journey. Telling our kids we are sorry, requesting their forgiveness, and then adapting our actions accordingly sends a powerful message. It can:
- foster a healthy and nurturing parent-child relationship
- demonstrate humility and accountability
- show our kids how to self-reflect and take responsibility
- prove that everyone, even authorities, can make mistakes
- open communication
- validate our kids’ emotions
- set a positive example for children to carry forward into their own relationships and interactions with others
Asking for and granting forgiveness is key to a thriving, loving relationship. How many healthy, long-lasting marriages can endure without forgiveness? I am not a marriage counselor, but you and I both know that forgiveness is indispensable. Let’s not be afraid to put this trait into practice with our own kids in the midst of the highs and lows of youth sports.
3. Rethink the car ride home.
There is a compelling YouTube video called The Ride Home. A busy dad dressed in a suit and his young son, who appears to be around nine years old, hop into a vehicle following soccer practice. As the dad starts his vehicle, there is an awkward silence. Somber music then begins playing and the dad launches into a lengthy monologue:
“So, not your best practice. Can we agree on that?”
There is no response from the son. He looks fearful, dreading the exchange. It feels as if the kid has heard this type of speech on previous car rides. The dad continues his diatribe, chastising and shaming his kid for a lack of strong performance. There is nothing loving or compassionate about the feedback provided by the dad.
You can access the video at TrueSports.com. The website features a number of very informative interviews with parents of decorated Canadian athletes focused on advice for parents for the car ride home. Key themes are:
- Take advantage of the opportunity for quality time.
- Let the kids lead the conversation.
- Inject values and don’t overly focus on the scoreboard outcome.
- Be positive.
Hundreds of college athletes were asked to think back: “What is your worst memory from playing youth and high school sports?” Their overwhelming response: “The ride home from games with my parents.” Those same college athletes were asked what their parents said that amplified their joy during and after a ballgame. Their overwhelming response: “I love to watch you play.” 35
Sid Bream credits his mom and dad for providing unyielding support without putting pressure on him. If they didn’t, he doubts he would have become a big-league player.
“Moms and dads want to wear their kids’ abilities on their sleeves,” said Bream. “If my mom and dad constantly berated me and told me I wasn’t succeeding in a sport that they put so much money into, I would have lost interest in a heartbeat.”
4. Communicate character.
Many of us are quick to congratulate our kids when they hit a home run, catch a touchdown pass, or score a goal. That’s great and we should do this. If we are serious about sports being a training ground to develop character, we should also consider praising our kids for displaying resilience and a positive attitude following a strikeout, dropped pass, or botched penalty kick. We should acknowledge how they showed grace to an opponent after competition or when they encouraged a teammate who seemed to be struggling.
“Affirm your son and his teammates when good character, healthy sportsmanship, and other-centered behavior are displayed. Do not affirm only his athletic performance or a victory,” wrote former NFL player Joe Ehrmann, author of the terrific book InSideOut Coaching. 36 (I’d add that this terrific logic obviously applies to daughters as well)!
In November 2023, I coached a middle school basketball team called the Gulf Coast Heat. As coach, I created an overview document for players and parents that included basic information about team values and logistics. I also wanted to be very intentional about instilling the importance of goal setting, both for particular basketball skills and character development. Two activities were spelled out:
Activity #1 – Identify a basketball skill to work on every day
Activity #2 – Character development
For the purpose of this book, I will focus on the second activity. I wrote:
“We want to encourage every player to deliberately track their progress in one particular character development attribute that relates to the basketball team and then carries over to home, school, church, and other environments. You are encouraged to use the boxes below each week to write just a few sentences on how you have applied the character development attribute and opportunities for improvement.”
Questions were listed and players could choose from a list of character development traits or focus on a different behavior. As coach, I didn’t want to make this mandatory for various reasons. But I did highly encourage this and spoke one-to-one with players during the season. I know some kids appreciated the exercise and took it seriously; others not as much. (I plan to tweak this in future seasons.) For me, it was important to communicate that we took character development seriously and genuinely cared for the kids as people.
My son was on the team, so I could engage in some of these character development conversations during car rides to games and practices. I saw this contributed to making an impact as he learned to stop fussing over calls from referees so demonstratively and to handle mistakes in a much better way.
I know as my kids progress with sports, not every coach will stress character development to the degree I did. However as a parent, I can periodically have character development conversations with my kids throughout their different seasons. I would encourage you to do the same. It shows that we genuinely care about our kids as human beings, not simply athletes who perform.
Sports are opportunities to impart wisdom around important life decisions. Former European professional basketball player Mark Wade shared that his father would remind him about the importance of hard work. “My dad, a former college player himself, didn’t say much. He was always supportive and provided solid life advice. I recall him always telling me that I couldn’t burn the candle at both ends,” Mark recalled.
Many years after Mark’s career ended, his son Dion went on to play Division I college basketball at Auburn and then professionally in Europe.
“I focused on teaching him to compete and giving his all,” Mark said. “I encouraged him to put in the necessary work and not cheat the game.”
5. Encourage.
As a young, talented swimmer, Susan Goldsworthy would overhear the naysayers comment on her lack of size. Her grandfather shared a different narrative.
“The bigger they are, the harder they fall,” he said. “Good things come in small packages.”
His encouragement enabled Susan to use the criticisms as a source of motivation.
“It framed my thinking from a very young age to see my size as an advantage,” she said. “I remember in the 1977 European Championships, there was a six-foot-two-inch girl in front of me. I thought to myself, she can’t win because she is too big. That was my grandfather’s framing.”
This propelled Susan to win the bronze medal for Britain. What a beautiful example of showing belief in a young person’s life. Over the course of her career, Susan set several British swimming records and competed in the Olympics.
I am sure there are many ways that you can communicate belief to your son or daughter and help them to frame obstacles as opportunities.
Questions to consider
1. On a scale of 1-10, how effective is your communication with your kid following a game or practice? How might you improve the score?
2. What character traits do you think are valuable for your child’s overall growth that can be developed through the context of sports?
3. What is one mistake you have made with your kid that requires an apology?
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30 Agassi, Andre, Open. Narrated by Erik Davies, Audible, 2009. Audiobook.
31 Huber, Jim. "#17 Steve and Lorri Zeller “How to Parent & Raise 3 NBA Players – The Zeller Way” Breakthrough Basketball, December 17, 2015.
https://www.breakthroughbasketball.com/podcast/17/
32 Brooks, David. "Love and Merit," New York Times, April 24, 2015. https://www.nytimes.com/2015/04/24/opinion/david-brooks-love-and-merit.html.
33 Rivero, Enrique. "Lack of parental warmth, abuse in childhood linked to multiple health risks in adulthood," UCLA Newsroom, September 20, 2013. https://newsroom.ucla.edu/releases/lack-of-parental-warmth-abuse-248580.
34 "Greg Olsen's powerful advice for parents of young athletes - you won't believe what he says!," Audiorama, YouTube, Uploaded February 20, 2023.
35 Henson, Steve. "What Makes A Nightmare Sports Parent -- And What Makes A Great One," The Post Game, February 15, 2012. http://www.thepostgame.com/blog/more-family-fun/201202/what-makes-nightmare-sports-parent.
36 Ehrmann, Joe. InSide Out Coaching: How Sports Can Transform Lives. New York, Simon & Schuster, 2011, Kindle.