Play #2 – H: Humility
On a scale of 1-10, how talented is your kid at {name of sport}? Close your eyes and think about this question for three seconds. For the majority of you, your score is way off. If I asked a neutral observer who is an expert in the sport, I am sure there would be a wide discrepancy, with the parent thinking their child is far better than the actual reality.
The YouTube video Six Stages of Youth Sports hilariously portrays the evolution of youth sports parenting. It begins with a couple making fun of other parents who are consumed by youth sports. They reluctantly decide to sign up their five-year-old son for soccer. Over time, they are convinced that he might be a phenom.
“Is he special?” the dad asks.
“Our kid is obviously special,” responds the mom.
The dad adds: “He is the best one out there. My judgment isn’t at all clouded by the fact he is my son.”
They decide that recreational sports are a waste of time. The competition is too boring for their prodigy. The young boy must solely play for advanced travel teams. The parents’ lives become consumed by the pressure and costs of excelling in sports.17
I can’t tell you how many parents voluntarily shared with me that their kid was so talented that it was imperative that he play in an older age group. Regular age groups are just too mainstream. These parents have a very humanitarian approach, believing that if their amazingly talented child played with their age group, then competitive balance would be destroyed and the league would be no fun for anyone. It is so noble. (Note sarcasm)!
I can recall speaking with a dad who wanted his kid to play up in basketball. As an objective observer, his kid was in the bottom half of the talent pool for his own age level.
Many parents seem to revel in sharing their wisdom on why their kid has moved up. This behavior is one display from the youngest of ages to the high school level when a freshman might be playing on the varsity team. Is it because these parents weren’t cool as kids and this is a way to get revenge? Does it just feel good to unload such facts on others? Are other areas of life not going well and this would be a way to compensate?
Sometimes, it is indeed necessary for a kid to play above their age group. But parents should be aware of how this is communicated, both to their kid and others.
Humility advice
There is this notion that in order to excel in sports, a player must have bravado. Perhaps this comes from what we are exposed to when watching sports on television. Most sports seem to feature flamboyant celebrations, trash talk, and a certain degree of cockiness. As parents, this can subconsciously impact how we communicate to our kids. How about we focus on helping our kids confidently demonstrate humility?
Humility is the ability to recognize one’s limitations and an openness to learn from others. It is the acknowledgment of the need for hard work and improvement.
“It is important to have true inner humility, not false humility. I always say and believe that everything can be improved,” said Rafael Nadal, winner of 22 tennis grand slam titles.18
Humility and teamwork are interconnected. NBA superstar and champion Giannis Antetokounmpo passionately said: “When you focus on the past, that’s your ego. When I focus on the future, it’s my pride. I try to focus in the moment, in the present, and that’s humility. That’s being humble.”19
Humility also keeps us grounded, as encapsulated in these words of wisdom from former UCLA legendary basketball coach John Wooden: “Talent is God given, be humble; fame is man-given, be thankful; conceit is self-given, be careful.”20
Humility in business
If you find yourself managing a team or leading a company, envision the value of having individuals who embody the behaviors described in the quotes above. Pat Williams, former general manager for the Orlando Magic, penned an insightful book titled Humility. In it, he emphasizes that genuine humility stands as one of the greatest strengths of a leader. Humble leaders showcase strength by actively listening to diverse viewpoints, admitting mistakes and learning from them, celebrating the achievements of others, and surrounding themselves with talented individuals without feeling threatened or diminished. 21
Humility – expressed through self-awareness, acknowledging others’ strengths and contributions, and embracing feedback – tends to achieve positive workplace outcomes while mitigating negative influences. This is according to research by the University of South Australia Centre for Workplace Excellence. 22
Jim Collins, renowned author of the business leadership classic Good to Great, dedicated years to studying exceptional companies. He found that executives who exemplified the “combination of personal humility plus professional will” achieved top leadership. 23
Even tech giant Google recognizes the importance of humility in its recruitment process. They actively seek out individuals with the trait of “intellectual humility,” viewing it as a key to continuous learning and adaptability. 24
Parents’ role in fostering humility
We need to instill humility in our children from an early age and reinforce it through their formative years. In doing so, we will equip them with a valuable characteristic that can help them throughout life, as demonstrated in the above business examples. Below are seven practical ways parents can help their children demonstrate humility through sports. Stories of professional athletes demonstrating humility are included as it may be helpful to point your kids to such examples.
1. Treat all people with respect. Roger Federer, one of the greatest tennis champions of all time, was invited to a Wimbledon event. However, he was denied access by a security guard who didn’t recognize him and wouldn’t let him through. Federer calmly waited for someone to bring his accreditation. There was no fuss.
In another instance, a ball boy interrupted play in a match, adversely impacting Federer. In a press conference, he said: “Understanding what a player needs is not always easy. You always want to respect the ball kids for who they are and the great job they do.”
Other entitled athletes might have thrown a fit when such individuals caused unexpected annoyances. Heck, many of us parents show anything but kindness when we experience hiccups in our everyday lives.
We need to model such respect and kindness for our children to all those we encounter throughout the day. This includes the waiter who messes up our order or the person driving too slowly in front of us. On the sports field, we need to encourage our kids to appreciate the efforts of all involved: opponents, referees, coaches, and team parents, among others.
2. Promote empathy. Related to the above point is empathy, a crucial life skill that fosters meaningful connections and allows individuals to consider the emotions of those around them. In business, empathy enhances collaboration and enables decisions to be taken that consider the well-being of all key stakeholders.
Kara Oberer of Eckerd College connected for a three-run home run off of pitcher Chelsea Oglevie of Florida Southern. As Oberer rounded the bases, her knee buckled and she fell. That’s when Oglevie and a teammate stepped in and literally carried Oberer from second base to home.
A great example of empathy in youth sports occurred in the summer of 2022 during the boys Little League Southwest Region championship. Kaiden Shelton of Texas East-Pearland unintentionally struck Isaiah Jarvis of Tulsa National on the helmet with a pitch. Initially, there was fear of a serious injury. However, Jarvis was fine and trotted to first base, while Shelton appeared visibly shaken by the incident. Noticing this, Jarvis walked to the mound and embraced Shelton. The cameras picked up his words of encouragement: “Hey, you’re doing just great.”
The 2023 Women’s World Cup drew many positive headlines for the sportsmanship displayed by opposing teams. In one instance, Swedish defender Jonna Andersson hugged a distraught Maika Hamano of Japan after her team’s win in the quarterfinals. “I got sad because I saw she was sad,” Andersson said afterward. “I hope it was important for her to feel that support.” 25
We need to encourage our kids to empathize with others. Youth sports is a great way to put this characteristic into practice. If an intense game concludes, kids can be prompted to think about perspectives and experiences of others involved.
3. Encourage teamwork. Mike Trout is considered the greatest baseball player of his generation. Journalist Peter Gammons tells the story of how Trout invited Mike Morin, a pitcher trying to make the team, to go play golf. Morin wanted to join, but wouldn’t be able to get his clubs quickly and he still needed to shower and eat lunch. Trout, an 11-time All-Star and three-time Most Valuable Player, told the pitcher that he would order his lunch so the two could hit the course.
Morin explained: “He’s the best player in the game, MVP, all the rest. I’m trying to make the team. And he’s taking my order and picking up my food so we can play together. He has no air of being a star. He’s just the most normal person you could ever meet.” 26
We need to encourage our children to recognize the importance of supporting their peers, regardless of differences in skill or status. It fosters a positive and inclusive team environment. This message is particularly important if your kid is one of the more talented players on the team. Reaching out to those who aren’t as skilled is a powerful way to demonstrate leadership that can be applied beyond sports.
4. Foster gratitude. Humility and gratitude are intricately connected. Both involve a recognition of one’s place in the larger context of life. Among adults, research has linked gratitude to better physical and mental health, sounder sleep, and less anxiety, among other benefits. Sport psychology studies have shown that grateful young athletes are more satisfied with their teams, less likely to burn out, and enjoy better well-being overall. 27
There was a young man I coached on the middle school basketball team named Zion. After each practice or game and without any prompting, Zion warmly approached me and all the coaches and thanked us for our time. The gratitude he demonstrated was always noticed and appreciated. He was far from the most talented player on the team. But I am convinced that his attitude will make him a success throughout his life.
5. Discourage bragging. Often players when interviewed after a big win will credit their teammates. It tends to sound like a rehearsed line that doesn’t feel very authentic. This sentiment actually sounds genuine when uttered by the humble NBA legend Tim Duncan.
“My mom and my dad...a combined zero basketball knowledge. But they taught me more about the game than anyone else,” Duncan proclaimed during his Hall of Fame acceptance speech. 28
A great way kids can learn to demonstrate appreciation for their accomplishments but resist the urge to brag is by observing their own parents. If you earned a promotion and your kids overhear you crediting others as opposed to patting yourself on the back, then they are more likely to do the same when others note their achievements. As parents, we can also prompt kids on how to accept a compliment after a great game from a bystander. For example, we can remind our kids about the collective nature of the sport. Hopefully over time, our kids will naturally credit others who played a role in the successful outcome.
6. Respect authority. I was observing a mother consoling her son after he struck out with the bases loaded and the team down by one run to end the game. The mom told the kid that the team lost the game because of the bad calls by the umpires. I can appreciate a mother trying to console her child, but this sends the wrong message.
For a more positive example at the professional level, consider the actions taken by Detroit Tigers pitcher Armando Galarraga back in 2010. He nearly became the 21st player in Major League history to throw a perfect game. However, his perfect game was ruined in the ninth inning with two outs when umpire Jim Joyce incorrectly ruled that the batter safely reached first base on a ground ball. Upon reviewing the call and seeing his mistake, Joyce was tearful and apologetic. Galarraga was forgiving and understanding of the mistake, telling reporters after the game, “Nobody’s perfect.”
7. Don’t be a victim. “It is not fair.” This is one of the most annoying refrains we hear from kids of all ages. Sometimes, life isn’t fair. Youth sports is a great stage to experience this. Game officials miss calls, teammates can mess up, and coaches’ unwise decisions can negatively impact our kids. Then there is the other side of the equation when our kids make a mistake and instead of owning up to it, they blame their environment. We can opt to join our kids’ chorus of negativity by bashing these officials, coaches, and teammates. Or we can teach our kids to take responsibility and not resort to blaming others.
University of Arkansas head basketball coach John Calipari wrote: “Refusing to accept blame and shifting it to others is about the worst trait you can have on a team or in any work environment. I don’t know if you can coach around it if it’s really ingrained. You can be really talented, but if you got that as part of your character, it might be fatal.” 29
Questions to consider
1. In what ways are you modeling humility?
2. What are some ways that you are not modeling humility, but you should?
3. Think about a specific setback your child experienced. What lessons in humility were conveyed? After reading this chapter, are there other messages that could have been communicated?
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17 "Six Stages of Youth Sport," Holderness Family Laughs, YouTube, Uploaded May 9, 2023.
18 Ciotti, Lorenzo. "Rafael Nadal: False humility is useless," Tennis World, February 14, 2022.
19 "When you focus on the past, that’s your ego. Giannis Antetokounmpo Life Lessons," Milwaukee Bucks, YouTube, Uploaded July 17, 2021.
20 Impelman, Craig. "The Importance of Having Humility," The Wooden Effect, May 29, 2019.
https://www.thewoodeneffect.com/the-importance-of-having-humility/.
21 Williams, Pat. Humility: The Secret Ingredient of Success. Ohio: Shiloh Run Press, 2016, Kindle.
22 Chiu, C.-Y. (Chad), Balkundi, P., Owens, B. P., & Tesluk, P. E. (2022). “Shaping positive and negative ties to improve team effectiveness: The roles of leader humility and team helping norms.” Human Relations, 75(3), 502-531. https://doi.org/10.1177/0018726720968135.
23 Collins, Jim “Level 5 Leadership: The Triumph of Humility and Fierce Resolve,” Harvard Business Review, January 1, 2001. https://hbr.org/2001/01/level-5-leadership-the-triumph-of-humility-and-fierce-resolve-2.
24 Friedman, Thomas L. "How to Get a Job at Google," The New York Times, February 22, 2014. https://www.nytimes.com/2014/02/23/opinion/sunday/friedman-how-to-get-a-job-at-google.html?_r=0&referrer=.
25 "Sportsmanship Among Most Enduring Images from World Cup," The Japan Times, August 19, 2023. https://www.japantimes.co.jp/sports/2023/08/19/soccer/womens-world-cup/sportsmanship-among-most-enduring-images-from-world-cup/.
26 "Peter Gammons: The modest, humble, and ego free teammate, Mike Trout," Gammons Daily, April 10, 2016
27 Cheroot, Greg. "How Gratitude Can Make You a Better Athlete," US News, September 29, 2016.
28 "Tim Dunan | Hall of Fame Enshrinement Speech," NBA, YouTube, Uploaded May 15, 2021.
29 Calipari, John. Success Is the only Option. New York: HarperCollins, 2016, p. 33.